Sunday, June 29, 2008

(T)Raumschiff Surprise - Periode 1

This movie came out in 2004 in Germany. It's a parody of Star Wars and Star Trek, along with other movies. it reminds me of Star Wreck.

As far as I know, there has never been released a version of the film with English subtitles. You can watch the film, on the web, with Chinese subtitles, at: However, it is slow to load. If you want subtitles in English, you can find them at:

Here is a short version of the film. I found clips of it on YouTube, and got the text from

The film starts off with the song “Life is So Sad” by Paulina Jones. Note: this video is not from the movie.

The Mars attack fleet.

Regulator Rogul: Once upon a time our ancestors came from Earth to colonize Mars. Today we return to Earth to once and for all annilihate its petty inhabitants! Jens, my trusty disciple, our vision has come true.

Earth is ours now!

The council on Earth is very worried.

Queen Metapha, we are defenseless.

The attack met us unprepared. Our fleet has been destroyed.

They decide to use time travel. They go back in time and prevent the colonization of Mars. However, time travel has never been tested. So, they will send the Surprise crew.

The next video shows us the Surprise crew.

'Cause we're so pretty and so canny
and so slim and so slender
We'll be Miss Waikiki!

And shower to the left!
And shower to the right!
And don't forget the soap!

One more time!
And five, six, seven, eight
Five, six, seven, eight
And touch and push!

And touch and push!
And towel to the left!
And towel to the right!
And don't forget the willy!

Dry the willy to the beat!

The Earth Council

You cannot be serious!

They are mankind's last hope.

Or are there any volunteers?

Are you saying that these..these people are the only ones...who can save the world?

If you really want to know, senator Eric.


We have no idea where they are. No word from them in years!

Then we have to find them, don't we?

There they are!

How could they bear away this far?

Hail them!

There are in the back of beyond!

I bet.

The Surprise

Captain's log no. 1 of our Traumschiff Surprise, Captain Kork. It's way too chilly for this stardate. All 40 men of my crew are in good health. Only two have a slight cold. Guenther has blackboard duty for this week. I am worried that in five months from now we'll run out of stamps. Got to do something about that. Later. Today we have our yearly health check. Looking forward to having my temperature taken. If all is fine, I'll have a nice cutlet with french fries and ketchup, a small mixed salad and a large root beer.

The same fagging every year!

The Honolulu bathing season starts soon!

You really need a flawless waistline if you want to be Miss Waikiki!

But it's tough on my intervertebral discs.

Do Vulcanettes even have intervertebral discs?

None of yours, you dumb cow!

He's not even a purebred Vulcanette.

Oh, I am!

No, you're a mongrel!

I am a Vulcanette Vulgaris. We can live for up to 400 years...because we are a type of Galapagos turtle!

And what are you?

I'm the captain.

You just screwed your way up!

And your point is...?

Galapagos turtle! That's why you're so slow!

And you have a baboon's ass!

Oh dear...


Your values are disastrous, as always.

Phone rings.

This is Groans. What's up? Someone from Earth, for the captain.

I'm not here.

He's not here.

Tell Mr. Nasi to turn on the answering machine.

Got it? Groans out.

Let's go! Get ready for the hovering test.


Back at the council.

There are certain difficulties in contacting the Surprise.

But you have their coordinates!

Yes, but... there's just the machine.

What? What?

They're available from Monday through Friday from 4 to 5 pm.

I don't believe it. Get these jerks NOW! There's not much time left!

Aye, Sir!

Wonder what those guys are doing up there?

Back on the Starship Surprise.

Picking nose and swinging balls!

Picking nose and swinging balls!

Starting today it's push-ups and knee bends!


Commencing hovering test.

Jeez, those asses won't move a bit!

Oh my, now what do we have here?

I better put this away before the captain bags it.

Captain, why aren't we hovering yet?

Doc, why aren't we hovering yet?

Cheese cake and chocolates all the time! You're too fat to be weightless!

I used to be in the hovering club!

I was the youngest ever in the hovering marathon!

I made my license in freestyle hovering when I was 12, and at the age of 14...

I won the Gold Star at the national youth hovering contest in Swabia! Yessir!

I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods!


Did you know he's got cellulitis?


Honestly! Up in his room.

Just wait, I'll get you yet!

Yes! I'm hovering!

Mr. Smock, come up here! It's wonderful up here!

I can't!

He can't.

C'mon, flat out, doc!

Is that all you got?

Geez, really!

I just can't get that fat Vulcanette up!

On the deck of the starship.

Mr. Nasi, what's the situation?

Ha, Captain...
(continues in Kantonese)

They get a message to return to Earth immediately. However, their warp drive (mutt speed) is not working. It has pug damage, whatever that is. They decide to catch a cab.

And what's that?

That's Jutta. My reading lamp.

It's saved my life before.

What kind of junker is that?

Bargaining again, huh?

I like it.

Who of you ordered a cab?

In the cab.

You cooing?


You're cooing over him!

No, I'm not.

Then let him coo a little.

Shut up and look out the window.

So, where to?

Earth. City of Government.

Whoops! That'll be expensive.

Why's that?

Right now, it'd be easier to give someone plastic surgery during an earthquake than to arrive there in one piece. They're firing heavy ordnance down there.

Oh yes, life vests and parachutes should be somewhere below that seat.

Maybe we should get out of here?

He's just boasting.

No problem. Just fly. I am expected by the government.

My name is Captain Kork. Capricorn.

And I am Hermes. Messenger of the Gods.

And what is your name?

My name is Rock.

Soft- or Hard Rock?

Grab onto something!


You can now buy free goods. Anyone care for some music?


They arrive at the planet, and are fired upon by the Martians. Here’s a good place for the music video “Space Taxi” by Stefan Raab.

The Surprise crew and Rock, the taxi driver, show up at the Earth council.

In this video, rock dreams about the Queen.



It's bitter chocolate by Rosetto.

It's the brand with the Rosetto-Moor.

I'm...not ready for that.

The council tells of their plan:

300 years ago, on July 22nd, 2004 at precisely 5.35 pm, a UFO crashed into the desert of Nevada. In that UFO, our scientists found information from a galaxy far far away. It was only with that knowledge that we were able to colonize Mars.

We could prevent the colonization of Mars and thus, this war, by traveling into the year 2004...and destroying implied UFO.

However, the bad guys arrive. Two of the Surprise crew, the Queen, and Rock, leave on the time machine.

I am glad to see you, Lord Shawl.

Boot licker.

What's that?

Rosetto's bitter chocolate.

It's the brand with the Rosetto-Moor.

Thanks. And exit!

Aye, Sir!

The government building of the Earth alliance was successfully taken over.


All politicians were locked into the washhouse.


Queen Metapha was able to escape with a time machine.

What? How could you let that happen, asshole?

Yes. You're right. But we were able to seize the manual of the time machine.


I'm going to make a phone call.

They end up in July 22nd, 1304.

Jens follows them, in this video.



There is something you need to know.


Roughly 30 years ago a baby came along, you know. Without sock and without shoe. And that, dear Jens, was you.

You lost me, my Regulator.

I... am... your father!

Okay. You can count on me, daddy! Bye!

They are captured. In these two videos, the King courts the Queen.

By the way, the Lady's dress suits you remarkably well.

She wore it just yesterday while being busy with the jester.

You have a wife?

I had.

Where is she now?

Hanging outside.

You hanged her outside? Why?

We have no gallows in here.

Two pizzas No. 33 for William the Endmost!

To the Knight of Behynde! Cheers!

Spuck and Rock talk.

I don't think I will ever marry.

Neither would I anymore. My ex-wife took everything.

My house, my dog, my job...even my hole puncher.

Oh my, now you can't even file anything away!

Oh well. Let me show you something.

My little pink pal stayed with me.

Oh, you little piggy you!

Say, can I touch that?


Oh my, it's all shriveled up!

Well, it's been in there for a while.

Yeah, I can see that.

Come, push it.

I'd like to have one myself.

Come on, push it harder.

My, where is it? My, what's it doing? My, there it is!

I don't want to make it burst.

It won't. My dog used to chew on it.

Next, we have some jousting. The next video is not from the movie.

They manage to escape, to the Wild West.

Maybe I'll take him on a trip to Mykonos with him next year!

I'm not giving you a holiday.

Sheriff Shorty? I thought you'd only arrive tomorrow. Anyway. Good luck!

And you're taller than I expected!

And which one is the sheriff?

The one with the star, Jim.

I'll just save the world without you!

Ha, you can't!

Yes I can.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No you can't.

I don't believe this.

No you can't.

I have the Swiss laser!

You sly Vulcanette cow!

Hey, are you nuts?

I thought Shorty was shorter last time we met him.

Well, it's been what, 10 years? He could have grown.

They escape to the right time, finally. And find the UFO.

Gee, what a cute thingy!

Careful, Smock, it might bite.

Maybe I'll talk to him.

Hello, stranger!


You friend or foe?

Ah! A friend!

Oh, I think he catched a cold.

Wait a sec.

You're a really good boy, aren't you?

Look, now you broke it! You dumb cow!

That's not enough, I'm afraid.

We did it!

That's all? This will change the future?

Even small things can have a big effect.

That’s not the whole movie, but that gives you an idea about the plot.

You can watch the film, on the web, with Chinese subtitles, at: However, it is slow to load. If you want subtitles in English, you can find them at:

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